


Just Like A Pill (You Keep Making Me Ill)

by LarryLlamas



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Cheating, Cheating Louis, Depression, F/M, Infidelity, M/M, Sad Ending, Sad Harry, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love, babygate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 11:35:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4605228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LarryLlamas/pseuds/LarryLlamas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Silence. Harry hates the silence. It's an uncomfortable silence. They never used to have those.</p><p>Then, Louis breaks it. He breaks Harry, too, with one sentence.</p><p>"I've met someone else."</p><p>or</p><p>The one where Louis actually did get Briana pregnant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Like A Pill (You Keep Making Me Ill)

He's known for a long time now that Louis was cheating on him.

Louis didn't exactly try to hide it. He'd come home to Harry with love bites blooming on his neck, mussed up hair and glassy eyes. He'd tried to fool himself into thinking it wasn't what it looked like, that Louis loved him too much to do that to him.

He suspected the boys knew too. Niall would give him sympathetic glances every time he mentioned that Louis hadn't come home that night.

The first time Louis had stayed out all night, he'd gone out of his mind with worry.

_"Liam," Harry gasped into the phone, "Liam, have you seen Louis? He went out for a night out with his mates, but he's not back yet. He's always back by now, Liam."_

_"Harry, I need you to calm down for me. Deep breaths, that's it. I'm sure there's a logical explanation. He's probably still out with the lads."_

_Harry couldn't calm down. Louis was always back by now. "L-Liam, what if- what if something happened?" He sobbed, "It's all my f-fault, I shouldn't have let him g-go, he alwa-"_

_"Harry!" Liam shouts, "Calm down. Have you tried calling him?"_

_"Yeah, so many times, Liam! He never- he never answered, so I left messages, I left so many messages, oh god."_

_"There's nothing to do, Harry. Get some sleep, I'm sure he'll be back in the morning." Liam tried._

_"Y-Yeah, okay." He shakily hung up the phone, but Harry knew he wasn't going to be doing any sleeping that night._

_When Louis came in the next morning, littered in love bites, Harry nearly passed out in relief. He ran over to him, saying how worried he was and Louis just stepped past him, heading for the bedroom._

_It stopped being so surprising after that._

-

 

They didn't kiss anymore, never mind have sex. The first time Louis rejected Harry's attempt at a kiss, Harry was shattered.

_"Morning, Lou!" Harry called happily, glad that Louis had finally stayed in for the night. He'd missed waking up to him._

_Louis blinked his eyes open, making some disgruntled noise and completely disregarding the younger boy._

_"Um. Want some breakfast?" Harry asked, a little thrown off._

_"No." The other boy said sharply._

_"O-Oh, okay." He leaned over, intending to peck Louis on the mouth, but the older of the two frowned in discomfort and turned his face away so Harry's lips landed on his cheek._

_That was the first night Harry cried himself to sleep._

 

-

So after everything, Harry really shouldn't be surprised when he sees the headlines " **LOUIS TOMLINSON IS GOING TO BE A DAD** ". It shouldn't surprise him that Louis has slept with another person - a girl, to be specific - because Harry wasn't good enough for him. It shouldn't surprise him, but it does.

He'd known for a long time, but he'd never _known_. Never had it confirmed. It's like a punch to the gut. And he could tell himself that it's just a rumour, that Louis wouldn't do that and that its just the press, but it isn't. He _knows_. It all adds up.

He isn't sure if they boys haven't brought up that Louis was cheating because they genuinely didn't know, or because they thought Harry did and he was just accepting it. He guesses the latter.

The thing is, even after everything, Harry loves Louis. Even after Louis has cheated on him, lied to him, broke him, he still loves him. Harry can't stop loving Louis. It's his fault, and he knows it. He wasn't good enough. He didn't love Louis enough, didn't treat him as well as he should have. He should've given him space to breathe instead of crowding him. And now, Louis doesn't love him anymore. In fact, did he ever? Harry's not worth loving. He isn't worth anything.

-

Keys rattle in the lock. The door opens. Louis comes in, looking guilty. He sees the article open on Harry's iPad and sighs.

"Harry-"

"I forgive you." Harry interrupts.

Louis frowns, "What?"

"I forgive you. About the...the cheating." He swallows.

"Harry..." Louis sighs pitifully, locking gazes with Harry, and Harry sobs, because this is the first time Louis has even looked at him in months.

"I'm sorry, it's all my fault, I wasn't good enough for you - I've never been good enough for you, please don't leave me Louis, I need you, please."

Silence. Harry hates the silence. It's an uncomfortable silence. They never used to have those.

Then, Louis breaks it. He breaks _Harry_ , too, with one sentence.

"I've met someone else."

Harry decides he wants the silence back.

"Louis, please."

Louis shakes his head. "I've, um. I've been seeing her for a while now, and-"

"Her?!" Harry exclaims hysterically, "Why is it a her?"

"Uh, her name's Briana-"

"I don't care what her fucking name is, Louis."

"Right, sorry." Louis swallows, "Uh, we met at a club. Calvin introduced us."

"But, she's... she's the only one, right? It's okay, Louis, I- I forgive you, please, just-"

"I don't want your forgiveness, Harry, nor do I deserve it. Briana, she's, um. Well, she's pregnant." Louis sighed.

"N-no!" Harry cried, falling to his knees in front of Louis, "No, that- that's just some stupid rumour, she can't be pregnant!"

"She is, Harry," The blue eyed boy told him, "She is, and I'm sorry you had to find out this way."

"No, pl-please, Lou, no, please. I love you, please don't leave me, please." He cried pitifully, "We can- we can make this work, you can have the kid and get custody or something, please, there has t-to be a way, I can't..."

"Haz, please." Louis begs, feeling guilty about what he'd reduced Harry to, "I'm so sorry, but we can't make this work, it's over."

"No, no, no, no, please, Louis!" Sobbing, he grasps the other boy around the waist, pleading with him, "It can't be over, we can't be over, we can make this work! You just- you made a mistake! I forgive you, please. Please, please. We...W-we love each-each other, please, Lou!"

"I don't love you, Harry, I'm sorry." Louis breathes, shattering Harry's heart into millions of pieces.

"Louis!" Harry screams as Louis pulls the younger boy's arms from around his waist.

"I'm so sorry, Harry. I'll be back for my things."

"Louis, Louis, Louis." Harry sobs, " _Louis_!"

The door slams shut.

-

He doesn't get out of bed much after that. He gets up to piss and drink, then goes back. He's got nothing to get out of bed for, because he hasn't got _Louis_.

He never realised just how dependent he was on Louis. Never realised how much he needed him, how much of his life revolved around him. Liam and Niall come around on the second week to try and coax him out of bed, make him eat something, but nothing works. They keep trying, but Harry is just... he's tired. He wants to go to sleep and never wake up, just to escape the heart wrenching pain he feels every waking second of every day over losing Louis.

"Harry, c'mon, mate. You gotta...you gotta eat somethin'." Niall tries.

"No thanks." Harry says, burrowing further underneath the covers.

Niall sighs and leaves the room, and Harry can't even find it in himself to be glad. He's just- empty.

 

-

Eventually, Niall and Liam resort to calling his mum. Harry feels pathetic to know that he's that insufferable to endure that the boys had to call his mother to get rid of him. 

"Hi, baby." His mum says, climbing into the bed with him.

Harry feels ashamed that the first thing he wants to do is shove her off, because that's _Louis'_ side of the bed, and not even Harry sleeps there.

He doesn't reply, just stares at her wordlessly.

"I know it hurts, baby."

And that's the thing, it doesn't hurt. It aches. The kind of ache that makes him want to rip his heart out of his chest. An ache that will always be there, no matter what. It's not numbed, and it's omnipresent. Everywhere he looks, he sees something that reminds him of Louis. Last week, Niall tried to get him into clean clothes, and Harry screamed and cried for an hour after that, because he was wearing Louis' clothes and they still smelt like him. He hasn't dared to throw anything that Louis left out because that would be getting rid of the last piece of Louis that he has, and he isn't ready to give Louis up yet. He doesn't think he ever will be.

He's ruined for anyone else.

He can't picture his life without Louis; doesn't know what he's supposed to do now. He can't carry on being in the band because Louis will always be there, reminding him of everything. 

He always saw a future with Louis, getting married, having kids and having a happily ever after.

He forgot those only existed in story books.

-

His mum stayed for a while, before she had to get back everything at home. She made him promise to call her, but the look in her eye told him that she knew he wouldn't.

Niall and Liam still come around, just to make sure he's alive.

"I'm not alive," Harry tells them, "I'm just breathing."

He ignores the worried looks they give him; it's nothing he hasn't seen a million times before.

-

One night, he gets completely and utterly smashed, drinking every alcoholic substance in the house until there's nothing left. He makes a huge mistake that night.

He calls Louis.

Harry listens to it ring, too drunk to be thinking logically.

"Hello?" Louis answers sleepily, obviously just having woke up. Well, it is 3am.

" _Fuck you_."

"Harry." Louis sighs in recognition.

"N-no, fuck- fuck you, Lou-Louis."

"Harry, are you drunk?" He asks.

"Yep," Harry giggles, "Be-Because I don't...um...I don't know if I could d-do this so-sober."

"Harry, you need to go to sleep. You're wasted."

"It helps to- _hic!_ \- helps t-to...numb the pain."

Louis doesn't say anything to that, and it pisses Harry off.

"Fuckin'...Fuckin' say some-somethin'!" 

"What do you want me to say, Harry?" Louis snaps, "You're calling me drunk at 3am, so what so you expect me to say?"

"I want you- _hic!_ \- I want to...to know ho-how the baby is." Harry slurs.

"Harry." Louis says cautiously. 

"N-no, Lou. Tell- Tell me. If it was sp-special e- _hic!_ -nough to le-leave me f-for, then you...you can tell m-me."

"It's doing fine. Healthy, and so is Briana. We're, uh. We're engaged."

"Ooh!" Harry coos sarcastically, "You didn't propose to m-me and we were togeth-together for 5 years."

"I'm going to hang up now, Harry. Then I'm going to call Liam and tell him the state you're in so he can help you. Goodbye, Harry."

"W-wait, Lou." Harry cries, "Take- Take me back. I miss yooou."

It's silent for a minute before Louis sighs.

"I'm going to hang up now, Harry."

The next thing he hears is the dial tone.

-

It's been months now, and the band has gone on hiatus. 

The baby is born, and the media reports like crazy. There is tons of speculation about how Harry had dropped of the face of the earth, but he can't bring himself to care. He doesn't care about much anymore.

He opens up to Liam once.

"It was all my fault, Liam, he left because I wasn't good enough."

"Harry, no!" Liam exclaims, "He left because he's a twat who couldn't keep it in his pants. This is his fault, not yours."

"Don't talk about him like that!" Harry yells, and Liam just gives his a pitiful look. He gets that a lot recently.

He doesn't talk about it again, because Liam doesn't _get_ it. Nobody does.

People keep expecting him to be angry at Louis, but he's not. He loved Louis, despite everything. He just wasn't good enough.

-

He watches as Louis and Briana say their vows, promising to always love each other at their wedding that Harry was cruelly invited to. He doesn't know why he went.

Maybe he thought he'd get some kind of closure. Instead, it's like opening up an old wound that never really closed.

When Louis spots him, he grins and comes over.

"Haz," He breathes happily, "I'm so glad you came. It wouldn't have been the same without you."

And it's weird, is the thing. Because Harry has been taller than Louis for most of the time they've known each other, but standing next to him now, he feels so small. 

And maybe it's selfish not to be happy for Louis. If you love someone, you should be happy that they're happy, even if it's not with you. But, Harry can't be. He can't bring himself to be happy that Louis is so much happier than he ever was with Harry, with a new baby and a new wife.

Harry simply turns and leaves, leaving Louis frowning in his wake.

-

It's been years.

Harry likes to think he's over Louis. That he's not hurt anymore. But, he is. He can never truly be happy now that he's tasted a life with Louis, who doesn't love him.

But, he's better. He no longer holes himself up in his bedroom, refusing to see anyone or eat anything.

On one trip to the supermarket, a child bumps into him, apologising immediately. He reassures the boy it's not a problem, and then he hears it. His voice. 

"Harry." It says, and Harry has to squeeze his eyes shut to stop from crying.

He blinks back tears, turning to face him.

"This is, uh. This is Jack." He says, gesturing to the boy.

"I know." Harry says quietly. His gaze drops to Louis' hands, to his ring finger. Still married then. He tries not to let that sting too much.

"Um, how've you been?" Louis asks.

"I think you know the answer to that, Louis." Harry sighs.

"Harry-" He frowns.

"Don't," Harry pleads, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, "Please, just. Don't."

"Okay." Louis says softly.

"It was, uh. It was nice seeing you, Louis. Nice to meet you, Jack." The younger of the two concludes, turning and walking as fast as he can.

And Louis really is his drug. 

 

_Louis is his drug, and he's addicted._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry please don't hurt me


End file.
